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Know Your Enemy: Vanderbilt University Commodores


So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously)

OK, quick recap of the Georgia game: 1. Hubby and the Turkey Hunter tried to convince each other that Georgia’s fight song was “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”. 2. The throwing of the football out of the stadium by our fans was a watershed moment in the history of humanity. 3. After the game (which I think we won) we retired back to the KSR compound where we spent the next two hours watching “Police Academy 4: Roman Numerals are for the Coast Guard” and noted not only the bit parts played by David Spade and Sharon Stone, but also wondered why an appropriate vehicle was never found for Michael Winslow (the guy that makes the sounds). I mean, a sitcom was waiting to happen for that guy, or at least sign him up for a variety show of some sort. Oh yeah, Randall Cobb is pretty good, too–at football, not at sounding like a machine gun.

Following the game against the Slobbering Jowelhounds, our Cats stand at 6-4 with a play-date with the SEC’s resident librarian, Vanderbilt, on the cards. Some might think it lazy to go with the Vanderbilt-as-bookish-nerds slant, and it is, but it’s also a lot of fun. For instance, I like to think that Coach Bobby Johnson inspired his team early in the spring and they began working diligently on improving their football skills through a practice montage spliced with a playful prank here and there all the while the following song plays: “You’ve got to put one foot, in front of the other, put your other foot down, down, down”. OK, just one more. You know how a lot of teams run offenses like the Spread, the West Coast, the Veer, etc.? Well, Vandy runs the “Dewey Decimal System”! Fish in a barrel, folks.

Implications abound in this game as the Cats seek to lock down a bowl appearance with 100% certainty and maneuver their way to a bowl not housed in Nashville. [As an aside, did you know that Kentucky has won as many games in Nashville over the two-year span of 2006-2007 as Vanderbilt did in the two-year span of 2000-20001? It’s true.] The Vanderbilt Navel Oranges (that one’s a bit of a stretch–Commodore>>Navy>>Naval>>Navel>>Navel Oranges) are looking to salvage a season that saw them start 5-0 with the need for only one more win to achieve bowl eligibility for the first time since nineteen-dickety-two. However, they’ve lost their last four and are poised to lose their next three in a performance that would make even Greg Norman vomit with rage. At least when they lose their next three, Mackenzi Adams won’t have to delay putting on tight jeans and a nouveau riche cowboy hat and trying to “set up” over by the bar at Tootsies to “put out the vibe”. Camp Annawanna, we hold you in our hearts, and when we think about you, IT MAKES ME WANT TO FART! It’s “I hope we never part”, now get it right or pay the price! “Know Your Enemy” worked into the next lyric somehow. 10 points to whoever got “Webster” last week.


Wait – would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during its decline?

Location:

Nashville, Tennessee, where country music has become really awful in the last ten years or so. Nashville was orginally called Fort Nashborough and was settled in 1779 by two dudes and some Wautagans (if you don’t know about the Wautagans, it’s fascinating). The settlement was named after Revolutionary War hero Francis Nash who had died two years earlier. I’ve never understood founding a town and then naming it after someone else. Know this readers: If this guy ever founds a town, city, school, volunteer fire department, or treehouse, it will be known as Mosleyboro. That or Chestertownfieldville in honor of Winona Rider.

Notable Alumni:

We profiled well-known plague of humanity Skip Bayless last year, but this time ’round, we will briefly highlight Cornelius Vanderbilt descendent, Anderson Cooper. While Cooper isn’t “technically” an alum of the school, his pappaw did found the thing so I think that’s close enough. Cooper is the newscaster who has recently become the well-moisturized “face” of CNN and was last seen talking to holograms and walking back and forth among the 30 or so people CNN had on the dais this election night past. Cooper rose to his present status in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina for some reason. He was once again decked out in waist-high waders when Hurricane Ike hit Galveston and looked a little too excited to be standing in mid-thigh level flood water for my liking. Rumor has it that he’s working on a weather machine in his basement to aid his reporting.


I’m just here to report the news. Cha-ching!

Cheerleader Scouting Report:

I need to know who is responsible for the cheerleading website. Honestly, this is the picture that they are going with to advertise their co-ed squad. At least one girl has her eyes closed and another is in the middle of pointing at something. To the photographer, here’s how it generally works: Say “1, 2, 3,”. Snap picture. If, when looking at the picture, the participants have eyes closed or otherwise doing something bizzare, stop, take a deep breath, then take another picture using the process I have outlined above. Repeat until you have a useable picture.

Football History:

Dismal.

Coaches:

Coach Bobby Johnson has starred in such films as “The Jerk”, “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”, and “Cheaper by the Dozen”. He also plays the banjo. Coach Rick Logo coaches the defensive line and appears to be a bit portly. Coach Joey Orck has the bizzare title of “Offensive Quality Control Coach”. Maybe this is something every school has, but it makes me think of manufacturing operations and assembly lines.


Coach Logo


Players:

Oh, Mackenzi, you’re so fun that if you were an animal you’d be a silly goat. Vandy also has a running back named Chavez Scott, though I’m wondering if his first and last names are just listed in the wrong order. Aside from former Somerset Briarjumper John Cole, the only other name that sticks out is Chris Nickson, and I used all my Chris-Nickson-as-Richard-Nixon material last year, so, uh, well, crazy weather we’re having, right?

Airtight Predictions:

Randall has such a fine game this time around, Chris Berman will christen him with the lame nickname, Randall “Corn on the” Cobb right before I slam my face into the pointy corner of a coffee table. Micah Johnson continues to bite off appendages at a Mike Tyson-like rate when he relieves offensive guard Ryan Vance of his nose. Trevard comes back at 84%, but finishes the game somewhere between 87% and 91%. “Wacky” Winston Guy takes a joy buzzer with him during the coin toss and really “shocks” the Vandy captains. Ha ha ha ha ha. Cats ultimately choose to rest Cobb a bit when the score gets out of control and thus do not embarress the Commodores as badly as you might think: Cats–68, Poindexters–5.


Winston Guy


Summary:

Should be a fine time in Commonwealth this Saturday as the Cats will lock up a Peach Bowl birth and…what?…It’s not the Peach Bowl anymore? Why not?…That’s fine, but usually, you just put the sponsor’s name in front of the name of the bowl, like “Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl”… They’re communists? That’s the best you can come up with is “they’re communists”. That doesn’t even make sense because it’s a private corporation with no ties to the government… You have strep throat? Still, why would that make you make an asinine comment about communists? OK, so you’ve pretended to pass out. Great, but I can see that your eyes are barely open. You make me sad and I’m going to get back to this post. Sorry about that, that was my financial advisor with a stock tip or something. Anyway, go see the Cats win big and, again, prevent Vandy from making a bowl. Go Cats.

Article written by Mosley

13 responses to “Know Your Enemy: Vanderbilt University Commodores”

  1. Chris Minton

    salute your shorts!

  2. Jimmy-Lee-Farnsworth

    Winston Guy has put on some weight…

  3. Chris Minton

    and benny hill. wow, this has turned out to be a good day

  4. GimelsStache

    Worst. Post. EVER. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

  5. GummyBear

    The Vandy cheerleaders don’t even pass the collective hotness test. For shame.

  6. GoCats2

    I thought I was the only one that would willfully slam his head into the coffee table before I would listen to Berman comment on anything.
    Strangely the hottest member of the cheerleaders appears to be the girl on the far right who is probably a former cheerleader who cant let go so is she is now the choreographer.

  7. jrhehe2

    Other than the fact that last weekends game vs the dawgs was Cobb’s breakout performance, I was thoroughly impressed with the fans who caught the ball that was kicked over the net. After the ball was caught the fans began to throw the ball around the stadium as if Peyton Manning was in the house. The spirals were nice and tight(TWSS). Even our fans are adapting to this football game.

  8. bmwuk

    #5. No one’s ever accused Vanderbilt of having hot chicks. Southern women are beautiful and the rest of the SEC proves that. Unfortunately a lot of rich kids from up north go to Vandy for the education and muddy the water with their unbelievable uggo-ness.

  9. jrhehe2

    8. exactly, a great site by the name of SEC poon proves this. Vandy has only been featured ONCE and that one time hopefully wasn’t the best they have to offer.

  10. Todd_Svobodas_Lunchbox

    Mosley,

    Any particular reason youused the ALA conference logo from this year? I ask because I’m a librarian.

  11. vandyisntallnerds

    as a kentucky bred vanderbilt student, i have to offer a little support for my school. Cheerleaders do not represent the talent of the female student body. They never have at vanderbilt, and I am not sure why. #8, true, there are many yanks that come here, and yes, they are rich, but they are usually sexy as hell, often in a bitchy way. Vandy does not have the sheer numbers of the other SEC’s, but they do NOT lower thet prestige of the conference female, just conference football.

    To the game…I just saw the team packing up to leave, and their confidence couldnt be lower. I was hoping they would reach a bowl game, and pray they beat tennessee, but would love to see the cats in atlanta

  12. Thomas Beisner

    11, I used to go to Vandy quite a bit to visit when I was in college and I was shocked to find so many good looking girls there. In fact, I love that place. There, I said it.